I Took A One Year Break After Graduation. Here is what I learned.

Hi Dear Reader,

It's been a while. As always I hope you're enjoying this beautiful day, and if not I hope this space provides comfort and love.

It's been around 8 months since I wrote my last blog post. Some of you have asked about the blog for the past few months and I just want to say I appreciate your support immensely. I'm excited and ready to pick up my blog again, and share a story I've been working on for months.

Today I want to share the story and journey behind my decision to take an intentional, purposeful and much needed year long break after graduating from FIU at the end of 2017. College was truly a life shifting experience for me - I worked hard, I had fun, I met amazing people, I made a lot of mistakes while having a lot of success. But what was next?

My goal today is to have an honest conversation about what is important in our lives. The importance of purpose, values, self care, relationships and intentional living. The dangers of how we currently view work. I know I won't be the last to struggle with these, so I hope my experience helps someone out there.  

Ready or not, here we go!

Prelude: Why Take A Break?

Let's start a year ago, at my defining moment at FIU - Graduation:

Figure 1: It's true, I taught those kids how to dab. 

I was ready to take on the world. 

For the past four years I executed on my deep passion for VR/AR technology, education and building up Miami as a tech hub. My teams and I put our heart and soul into PilotVR and Ignite the Future for at last two straight years (Figure 2). I helped lay the foundations for Upsilon Pi Epsilon at FIU with Cesar and the wonder UPE team. I was really happy to do all this - made breakthroughs in each project, met and worked with amazing people and I was genuinely happy to express my creativity. 

At the very end of my time at FIU, I was honored to be recognized as a Worlds Ahead graduate (Figure 1) for my work in Technology, Education an Community. My plan at the moment was to continue working on PilotVR and Miami's tech community. 

Figure 2:

First picture: PilotVR

Second Picture: Ignite The Future

However, at one point sometime in Mid Summer 2017 I felt something was wrong. As most humans do when they feel threatened, I hid what I was going through. I mean, what was there to complain about? Everything seemed to be going my way... right?

Well, I was not taking care of myself. I wasn't going to the gym, eating junk food every day became the norm and I gained a bunch of weight (185 pounds at the peak). I wasn't meditating, I wasn't sleeping right, I wasn't talking or going out with friends or family as often as I used to. I also grew more and more concerned with the image and success I built around me instead of my real self. In other words, my self worth became less dependent on who I thought I was, and more on what others thought I was. 

The lack of self care and shift in self worth began eroding who I was, building up and leading me down a dangerous path. Ignoring the warning signs I encountered a breaking point around Early February 2018 after graduation, wherein the same week

1. After two years, I was forced to shut my startup PilotVR down.

2. Experienced the end of a long-term relationship.

With the strong, unforgiving emotions of heartbreak, the loss of what I worked tirelessly for two years, my unhealthy habits, and the disconnection between my image and my reals self, I broke (Figure 3). 

I really, really, broke. 

Figure 3: I'm going to need a lot of tape and glue for this.

The voice in my head turned violent and unforgiving, unable to trust myself or others, unable to find joy. Between that February and March, I spent most of my time in my room unable to do much of anything. The imagination and optimism that fueled me every day was completely gone. My body neglected from not taking care of it. I felt the shame of failing the people that looked up to my work, I felt the shame of pushing myself to this point. The anxiety brought by the situation made that period of time unbearable both physically and emotionally. I didn't feel like myself anymore, and it sucked. 

It was hard to communicate what I felt until I stumbled upon a track by Kendrick Lamar called "u" (Figure 4) - where I heard him talk about the troubles with his own thoughts:

Figure 4: What a gifted storyteller

I place blame when you still
Feel like you ain't shit
Feel like you don't feel, confidence in yourself
But you ain't shit, I'm convinced your talent's nothin' special
Where was your antennas
Where was the influence you speak of
You preached in front of 100,00 and never reached her
I fuckin' tell you, you fuckin' failure you ain't no leader
I never liked you, forever despise you I don't need you
The world don't need you, don't let them deceive you

Figure 5: Keeping it real

It's dark. I don't feel like that normally, it's not me, that's not who I am, but I'm not going to lie - that's how I honestly felt in the moment (Figure 5). The song lyrically expressed my frustration with where I was - the insecurity, the let downs, the expectations, the frustration - it is complicated. I kept listening to the rest of To Pimp A Butterfly until I hit the track "Mortal Man", which ends with this poem 

I remember you was conflicted
Misusing your influence
Sometime I did the same
Abusing my power full of resentment
Resentment that turned into a deep depression
Found myself screaming in the hotel room
I didn't want to self destruct
The evils of lucy was all around me
So I went running for answers

I felt Kendrick telling me to go running for answers just as he did, but I was in a lot of pain and I felt like I couldn't move. I didn't understand what was going on at the moment and what got me there. From this, I came up with my first key insight:

Insight 1

No matter what - go running for answers

The reason I decided to take a year long break was to run for those answers. I wasn't sure what was going but I knew that if I was going to get through this I would need time to heal, reflect, and put a plan together to face the challenges ahead of me. So over the next year, I l ran for answers and documented my journey on the journal. Here is what I learned:

1. Where to Start

So where do I start in this year long journey? The first thing I had to accept was that

1. I made a mistake(s), I was wrong

2. But more importantly, That's OK.

Seems pretty simple right? Well I had to sit down and look at my mistakes and the events that led to this moment straight in the eye (Figure 6), it's the only way to heal and grow. This isn't new, we all know this - it's painful, your ego makes you turn away at every corner, and it's so easy to lose yourself in emotion - even self blame. I've dealt with this before, but never at this sheer magnitude. 

Figure 6: My Eyes

More importantly however, I had to allow myself to fail. I had to be OK with the fact that I made mistakes, that there were things outside of my control, and I had to understand that it didn't define me. This was particularly hard because I had so much of my self worth tied to what people thought on my work at the time. 

I was stuck, so I asked myself - Where do I start when my perceptions and perspectives are overwhelmingly tainted with irrational emotion in the moment? What does an effective and meaningful interaction with the process of looking at your flaws, mistakes and shortcomings look like? 

What I was doing at the moment wasn't working, I needed a process to drive healthy change. So I began to, little by little, build a new mental framework by making it the purpose of my Journal (Figure 7):  

Figure 7: First Page of the Journal.

This led me to my second insight:

Insight 2

Developing healthy engagement with our flaws and pain is key to growth. It's something only we can do for ourselves. 

I wrote on my journal almost every day - My thoughts, daily experiences, fears, hopes, dreams, victories, disappointments, etc. I saw how I engaged with these daily activities or thoughts outside of my head. I began mapping patterns in my behavior, and saw key areas that I needed to address (Figure 8). 

And surely I let my wounds mature my soul

And surely I let my reflection guide my self awareness

And surely I let forgiveness drive self love

And surely I regained my worth. 

Figure 8: My attempt at drawing the intensity of this process

Little by little I strengthened attributes like Courage, Forgiveness, Presence, and other attributes. I found that maybe things happen in life that demands and test a much higher level of those attributes - It doesn't mean that I don't have them, it's just an opportunity that demands the growth of those attributes (Figure 9). This leads to Insight 3:

Insight 3

Personal Tributes (Like courage, forgiveness, Focus, Trust)  are dynamic. 

They grow when you practice them, they weaken when you neglect them.

Figure 9: You know, like runescape skills.

One of the exciting things I discovered from this framework building experience is the "relationship model" - Basically it shows how we live in relation to the things existing around us (Figure 10). It doesn't have to be people exclusively, it can be concepts like time and emotions and attributes. I wanted to know what my position was to things that exist and that affect me every day. 

Figure 10: Other examples include Netflix, 
tequila and terrible Miami drivers

For instance, you can consider this first part as "My relationship with Failure and Flaws", I just didn't know what to call it at the time. From this, I get the three key relationships I worked on in 2018:

2. My Relationship With Time

After laying down the foundation of the framework, I came across the following definition on Maturity from an article in one of my favorite blogs. 

Maturity: 

The ability to live fully and equally in multiple contexts, most especially, the ability, despite our grief and losses, to courageously inhabit the past, the present, and the future at once.

This made me think real hard about my relationship with time because time it's arguably one of the most important aspects of our lives. We all lived a past, we are all living in the present as I write this, and we all have a future to live (Figure 11). I thought about each, the Past, Present, and Future - here is what I learned:

Figure 11: I should probably worry about 
future me problems soon

The Past: 

Experience, Regrets, and Memories

I equate the past with experiences, which can be good or bad. The past is a experiential result of our actions, the environments we inhabit, and the collective insights and memories they make about our world. I've found one of my challenges with the past is that I've let the good and the bad define my present (Figure 12)

Figure 12: Oh how I love past me

For example, regret is something I've struggled constantly. I've made a long list of mistakes as a creative/leader with Pilot, Ignite the Future, in my relationship with people, and other things - sometimes thinking that the mistakes made indications of my value, my present, and my future. The thing is, mistakes will happen!

It's not only the bad past that get's to me - sometimes I miss good experiences and memories in the past. I struggled hard after graduation because I missed the good times I had at FIU, thinking that something like that might not come again. I wanted those times back. (Figure 13)

Figure 13: Rotten Tomatoes would go nuts

I found this is the wrong mindset to have. The past is written, and I accept I have no inherit control over it. There is no use in looking at regrets and only wishing things were different, or looking at the good times and wishing they were back. Those two approaches are actions, and action can only take in the present. 

I've found that the only thing the past serves is to inform our present and to guide our future. The bad experiences points to where need to improve and the good experiences should fuel our gratitude. With these thoughts I come to Insight 4, where I found that to courageously inhabit the past we must:

Insight 4

Honor The Past

I chose Honor because it symbolizes my acceptance of the way things we're, good or bad. I see the value in the past and see it's a rightful place in my life (Figure 14).

Figure 14: Mirrors strike again

The Present: 

Execution, Reaction, and Presence.

If you think about it  - the present, the moment you are living as you read this, is the only thing we really have any agency on. The present is all about our actions, reactions/emotions and how present we are to deal with what the future slowly brings in all aspects of life such as career, friendships, relationship, hobbies, etc. 

Figure 15: It's the properties of addition, we
learned it in elementary school

I've come to find that the way we engage with the present determines how we live our days,  and by the sum of those days, how we lived our lives (Figure 15). Often times I've found that the main reason I'm not getting closer to my goals is that I see myself acting and reacting to situation inconsistent to what my long-term purpose calls for (More on that on the next section). With this insight, I asked an important question.

How do I begin to act, react and deal with the challenges in the present that are consistent to what my purpose is?

The first answer is pretty straightforward - defining my values. For me, Values are about the virtues I engage with daily. The virtues that guide my action and reactions with the things the future brings minute by minute. Over the past few months I used the whole back cover of my Journal to, one by one, start fleshing out values I believe are central to my life and necessary to have to achieve my purpose - here they are (Figure 16):

Figure 16: Work in progress

The second answer came around early 2018 when I began my search into meditation to try and find answers on presence. Mediation is about being present at the moment, not reacting to all your thoughts and letting your mind flow nonjudgmentaly. It helps because it's hard to think rationally when you're overwhelmed with emotion and thoughts (maybe this is a funny time to mention that I'm an INFP). 

I meditated for a couple of months, and I'll be honest I have not been keeping up with it's much as I'd like but it's taught me that the only meaningful way to live is in the present is by having the agency on what's in front of you in the present moment. 

A few weeks ago, I came across a speech given by Former President Barrack Obama at John McCains funeral that encapsulated this idea (Figure 17):

Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be. but what will happen in all the other days that will ever come can depend on what you do today. What better way to honor John McCain's life of service than as best we can follow his example to prove that the willingness to get in the arena and fight for this country is not reserved for the few, it is open to all of us, and in fact it is demanded of all of us as citizens of this great republic. That's perhaps how we honor him best, by recognizing that there are some things bigger than party or ambition or money or fame or power, that the things that are worth risking everything for, principles that are eternal, truths that are abiding. At his best, John showed us what that means. For that, we are all deeply in his debt.

Figure 17: Obama is a class act

From these insights I come to Insight 5, where I found that to courageously inhabit the present we must:

Insight 5

Focus on the Present.

I chose Focus because it symbolizes the constant aim for presence and fulfillment of my values at every moment and in every present situation. Just like the other attributes, I've mentioned in this post, presence and well-defined values are practiced through daily. I truly believe that if we live present every day, then we surely must have been present our whole lives.

The Future: 

Purpose, Fear and Commitment

The future is full of hope - and fear. We all want a better future for ourselves and those close to us. It's one of the core reasons we do what we do, but how do we decide where we want to go? Life is about the Journey, not the destination - but the destination is still a part of our reality (Figure 18). I struggle with the fear of the unknown as the future comes closer to our present with every ticking minute. 

Figure 18: Future me trying to keep me safe

From these struggles raised what I think is arguably the most important insight in this whole post. The role of Purpose in my life. Your purpose is your why or the reason why you get up in the morning. It's what ultimately defines your path forward, whether you see it or not. 

I'll be the first one to say that I'm terrified, and I say that confidently knowing I'm not alone. I love how Elon Musk describes it in an interview, where he says he's not free from fear and in fact, he feels it every day (Figure 19). I think what distinguishes people that let fear stop them from engaging with the future is a well-defined purpose that they individually come to a realization too. The fear can come, the future events can come, but you know your purpose is more powerful than whatever gets thrown at you. It's so important to come to it individually because otherwise, you won't be able to commit to it, it's not yours!

Figure 19: Unless robots can feel fear now?

A commitment of what I want to do with my life (purpose) and defining that clearly has allowed me to construct a path with clear, measurable goals that I can work towards day by day by being present. Commitment means that I'm all in, that I have a place where I want to get to because of what I want in my life and what I want to do for others.  From these insights I come to Insight 6, where I found that to courageously inhabit the Future we must:

Insight 6

Commit to the Future

I chose Commit because it symbolizes my commitment to the purpose guiding me to my future - meaning that I'm all in, that I have a place where I want to get to because of what I want in my life and what I want to do for others

Honor the Past, 

Focus on the present, 

Commit to the future.

Figure 20:
Should frame this soon

This slogan represent my new relationship with time. It embodies what they mean to me, and how I am to engage with each time frame in a healthy way. It owns a entire page in the back of my journal.

3.  My Relationship with Myself
The Health Triangle 

After all of this happened I asked myself - What should I do first? I talked to my dad (Figure 21) quite a bit during this period, and he would always emphasize the importance of health. No matter how much money we have, or influence, or intelligence, we need health to execute our dreams effectively. It was apparent I did not take care of my myself for 2 years before graduation, so my first goal was to get in shape in all aspect of my life. But what would I have to work on to achieve this?

Figure 21: He looks so young for a reason

After some journaling I came across these 4 key attributes to our health: Physical, Mental, Spiritual and Connections. 

A. Physical

Sitting down to program for months can start taking a toll on anyone's health. Not only did I avoid exercise, but my sleep patterns were also out of whack. Like I mentioned earlier I was weighing ~185 at 5"11, and during my late time at FIU. I probably averaged 5 hours of sleep every day as well. Science clearly shows that a lack of exercise and sleep can have adverse effects on every part of your body, from your immune system to your digestive health, to your brain. I was definitely feeling the physical end of that science. 

I knew that if I wanted to come out strong, I would need my physical strength and endurance to do so. Here is what I did:

I was lucky enough to be contacted by my friend Sal (Figure 22) a few weeks after this all happened. He was my Academy of Leaders (AOL) Facilitator, a fellow INFP - as a matter of fact, we haven't talked in years. 

Figure 22: He is a figure

We talked and I mentioned I wanted to get back to the gym and for the next few days, he took me to the local LA Fitness to try the gym out. I've tried hitting the gym before, but because of school and my projects I would always be incredibly inconsistent with my workouts. With the decision to take a long break, I decided it would be the perfect time to commit and be consistent at the Gym. 

I committed to a 4-day minimum gym week (Figure 23). This meant even if I was sick, even if I had things come up, even if the world was ending - I will be in that gym pumping iron. I knew that I'd have to keep myself accountable, so I asked a couple of Computer Science friends to join me on my journey. If I wanted to lead the way for us computer geeks out of unhealthy purgatory, then I'll be damned if I missed a gym day and let my guys down. And so, the journey began:

Figure 23: Haha angry stick figure me looks funny

For the next 8 months, I went to the gym with Sal and CS Group. Month after month, I saw my physique get better (Figure 24). Week by week I saw my sleep get better. Day by day I saw my mood brighten up. The most impactful aspect of consistency is the structure it brings to your life, something that helped me tremendously when I felt everything around me was crumbling. Consistency, I found, is the building block for true change. This leads me to insight 7:

Figure 24: One year of Gym - Feels Good.

Insight 7:

Consistency is key for change 

Today I'm glad to say I can bench twice the amount that I started with, and I  feel physically better overall. While my sleep is not 110%, it's something I will be focusing on this year to perfect.  This is for sure a must in anyone's life, the gym membership is worth. 

B. Mental

Talking about this is a bit tricky. Mental Health is something I'm definitely planning to tackle in this blog, it's an area in all our lives that needs more conversation and a heightened level of empathy. The vulnerability and courage needed to write about this are pretty high, but here it goes. 

I struggle with Anxiety. I'm not ashamed of it and it does not define who I am, but I've come to accept it as a part of my life (Figure 25). I know I'm not alone - I've met plenty of people, all living fulfilling lives, with the same struggle on their own Journeys. These people are a small part of the 40 million adults that get affected by it in the US. 

Figure 25: Stick figure me has something to say

I will write a post about anxiety at a later date, but I right now I want to talk about the relevant events of last year. The events of early 2018 brought a huge relapse of my Anxiety, both physically and emotionally. My body was tense, my thoughts were racing all the time, and fear was the predominant emotion throughout the day, and my jaw clenched so hard it hurt throughout the day. It's hard to think straight when getting hit with all that, adding to the frustration to the situation. 

I knew that if I wanted to come out strong, I would need my mental peace and clarity to do so. Here is what I did: 

I've always wanted to start a journaling habit - Writing or speaking my mind has always helped me express and engage my emotions productively because it brings them out of my head for examination. However, at every attempt to journal I've always let it go after maybe 2 weeks. 

Early 2018 proved to be different and following the consistency of the gym I submitted myself to be consistent with my journaling. I bought this small notebook from Amazon for around 10$ for a 2 pack and began writing my thoughts - emotions, ideas, hopes, fears, regrets, hopes, plans (Figure 26). 

Figure 26: Ngl awesome deal.

Like mentioned earlier, after journaling for a couple of weeks I began to note some of my thinking patterns, you can call it pseudo-cognitive behavioral therapy (Figure 27). From these patterns, I began to observe how I Actually coped or engaged with all kinds of emotions and experiences. With the data at hand, I could start asking important questions such as

1. Is this a healthy thinking pattern?
2. What's the root cause of this emotion, or my reaction to certain experiences?

I firmly believe emotion and gut feelings are the major drivers of human behavior. Yes - we rationalize things to make decisions too, but I think we get to that step after being compelled by our emotions to make a certain decision or follow a certain path. So, if emotion drives behavior, shouldn't we do our best to individually grow healthy and positive emotions? 

Figure 27: My electrical engineering background
didn't help much here

For the next 8 months, I consistently wrote in my journal, ultimately finishing it  - front to back. Day by day I saw my fear ease, week by week I saw my soul filled with hope again. What you're reading today are the reflective thoughtful nights I've spent in these pages, mapping my mind, wrestling with my thoughts, and straightening patters. 

Talking to someone about this is critical as well. I was incredibly lucky to have a a handful of friends I could trust and be completely vulnerable with and call at any time. 

From this journal, I've come to this insight:

Insight 8: 

Write emotions, speak thoughts, seek clarity. 

I love how Brene Brown describes the mapping of the mind in her book "Dearing Greatly" (Figure 28)

Figure 28: "Being rather than knowing requires us to show up
and letting ourselves be seen"

By no means am I finished Journaling. What my first journal taught me is that there is much more to learn about myself and how I work. However, I think the difference is that I am engaging this pursuit of learning myself not because I want to be perfect, or because I think I lack something. I'm doing this out of self-love, to better serve one of the most important relationships I will ever have - the one with myself. 

c. Spiritual

Spirituality for me isn't about Religion, it isn't about blindly following dogma and it certainly isn't about telling people what to do. Spirituality to me means to be individually in tuned with the existence you are experiencing - or in every day terms, what does it mean to live a good life? What is our position in this universe? What does it all mean? It's about engaging with these types of questions. 

Everyone has their idea on these questions - the greatest philosophers, the most accomplished scientists, the authors that immerses us in their stories, the loudest prophets of our time, and some peeps at cochella. These questions are important because you otherwise you fall into nihilism, the belief that life has no meaning.  

After what happened last year, I (unsurprisingly) had those same fundamental and human questions and doubts. I turned to philosophy, science, self-help books, meditation, youtube videos and yea they all helped but there was something missing - a direction, a path, a guide, faith. You see I've found that these questions don't have answers that can be written on a Medium blog post or tested in a laboratory. Why? Because the answers are not something we know, it's something we live. 

I knew that if I wanted to come out strong, I would need a path to help me live these meaningful questions. Here is what I did: 

I've always been naturally reluctant of joining any kind of faith. A fundamental quality for me is to doubt, to ask, to question everything. It wasn't until my brother (Figure 29) invited me over to his church, VOUS church, that things began to change. This could also be a blog post of it's own, so I'll try to keep it as concise as possible and focus on the mindshift change that showed spirituality as an important aspect of our health. 

Figure 29: Thanks Broski <3

What VOUS did that fundamentally changed my perspective was defining what following "a" path REALLY meant. By the way if you look closely, every major religion has this path like attribute, so I think this concept can be transferred to those too (Figure 30) (excuse me for my ignorance if something is wrong, I made as much research as I could):

- Christianity: Jesus 
- Buddhism: The Noble Eight-fold Path
- Islam: The Five Pillars 
- Hinduism: Dharma 

Figure 30: Get them at your local Gamestop

Following the path means surrendering, giving up, letting go - that maybe you're not the center of the universe. Following the path means accepting our fallibility, and the need for us to depend on something bigger than ourselves. You submit yourself to where that path takes you, knowing you have no control. However this doesn't mean blindly following anything either - you let your doubts and question be heard. I love the Way Pastor Steven Furtick puts it (Figure 31):

Figure 31: Speaking Level 99

For the past 8 months, I've submitted myself to the Christian path (Figure 31) - Following Jesus. No one's told me what I should believe in, no one has shoved things down my throat. Doubt has led the way whole way, growing my faith as I ask questions in the process. I've learned about a God that loves his children, and through grace saves them. I've learned not to depend on my confidence, but to depend on my faith. I've learned to love my enemy, to forgive as other have forgiven me. I've learned that more blessed is the one that gives than he who receives. The best part? I have a community of people around me on the same journey to develop this relationship with God.  From this I got an insight:

Insight 9:

Some answers aren't know, some answers are lived.

Figure 31: It's a very wet process, protip bring towels.

As I live my life, I've found it critical to have these lived answers to understand and engage with different aspects of life. I by no means am I a saint, or someone that can tell you what to do. All I know is that I'm on a journey to know more about the nature of my existence, to engage the question that can only be lived - and the path I chose is fulfilling that. 

d. Connections

We hold value to a lot of things in life - wealth, power, material things, our talents, our history, the list goes on. However I'd have to argue that the connection we with others of the most valuable thing there is. It's no surprise that the first important step towards fighting any challenge is to know you're not alone. You're not the first one to go through it, you won't be the last. These people helped me understand that this past year. 

However, the last semester at FIU made it challenging to maintain the connections and relationships I had with others. When things went down early the following year, it was hard to reach out to some of the friends gotten far from. I felt ashamed of the disconnection that developed with a lot of my friend circles, and for 3 weeks I basically had no contact with the outside world. Furthermore, the vulnerability I felt at the time made near impossible to meet new people. 

I knew that if I wanted to come out strong, I'd have to mend the disconnections, and be open to new ones. Here is what I did:

After the initial 2 weeks of isolation, I gathered the courage to fall on my support systems. I reached out to some greek brothers, I reached out to friends I made in honors, I reached out to friends in the startup scene, but most of all I reached out to my homies in UPE. The scary part up to that is that I always decided to hide the bad or painful parts of my life with others. I was used to sharing good news, celebrating accomplishments, or having a good time (There is a reason I'm the UPE lit master). This time would be different. 

Not only did my friends receive me with open arms, our friendships strengthened. Everyone I opened up to shared their experience, deepening our connection. The turning point for me was when I held my 23th Birthday with my UPE friends. They brought me cake, they sang kareoke with me, we played smash and rockband all night, and we had a few good drinks. I felt like I had everyone's back during that tough season of my life, and it gave me the courage to move forward. This led me to insight 10:

Insight 10:

Life is meant to be shared with others - the good, the bad. 

This is where courage comes from.

Challenging battles will come, it's just part of life. The question is, are we surrounding ourselves with the people that will help us through, as we will help them (Figure 32). I love a clip from harry potter where Luna Lovegood (My favorite Character #Ravenclaw) talks to harry about feeling alone:

Figure 32: My favorite Harry Potter character

The Health Triangle

I like to make symbols out of everything, so I came up with the Health Triangle (Figure 33) - symbolizing the balance I must have with each aspect of my well being. If I work towards keeping them in check, I will have the strength necessary to face anything that comes my way. 

Figure 33: Zelda Inspired

4. My Relationship with
Forgiveness and Vulnerability

To end the post, I want to talk about two powerful books I read last year: 

a. Forgiveness 

One of these books is "Own the Day, Own your Life" by Aubrey Marcus (Figure 34). The book centers around the power of daily habits and how these habits impact your daily life, such as eating, sleeping, meditation, exercise, and relationships. 

Figure 34: Looks Well Rounded to me

However, the most surprising and impactful habit I found in the book was the one of radical self-forgiveness. The reason is we often think of forgiveness as this one-sided action we take towards people that do us wrong, but what about when we do ourselves wrong? 

You see, when people fail you, you tend to trust them less. It's just how any relationship at any level works (friendship, acquaintance, etc). It's no different with the relationship with yourself, you tend to trust yourself less. Like I mentioned earlier in the blog, values allow us to make the right decisions in the present, but we will make mistakes. We aren't perfect nor should we expect ourselves to be. 

The problem comes when you don't have the ability to catch yourself, it's easy to spiral into self-doubt - which turns to self-resentment. I struggled with this immensely because the inherent intense high rate of failure with PilotVR (startup), Ignite the Future  (experimental education) or in other creative aspects of my life such as music. I didn't fail because I'm inherently a failure, it's just the natural aspect of high-risk creative projects - they drive on failure. I needed an effective way to engage with a high rate of failure necessary for these types of projects. 

In the book, Aubrey introduced a ritual of forgiveness called Ho'onoponopono that goes like this (Figure 35):

Insight 11:

Ho'onoponpono: 

I Love You 

I'm Sorry

Forgive Me

Thank You

Figure 35: Keep it handy

The goal of the ritual is to recite these four sayings from a wholehearted source when hitting a shortcoming or failure, when someone does a wrong to me, or when I do wrong to myself or others. I thought it was powerful because it redefines forgiveness as an act of self-love, instead of an action of justice or an action to gain something like peace. 

b. Vulnerability 

Another powerful book I read this past year was Brene Browns "Dearing Greatly", which opens with Theodore Roosevelt's "The man/woman in the arena" speech (Figure 36):

Figure 36:Life shifting book 110% Recommend

It's a powerful speech that gives perspective on what's really important - the courage to dare greatly. Not the critics, not the result, not even the triumph. it's the courage to make your own path and face what comes head-on.  

Sound simple? Well, this is hard, it's really really hard. Let me explain:

You are completely exposed if you want to do something great. That song you made in your room? You have to play it to some ears. That idea you want to flesh out? You have to lead a team and present the product to customers. Want to start a blog about how you overthink a couple of things? People will eventually put heir eyes on it. You are naked, you are vulnerable - you need to connect with others. 

My biggest struggle, and I think other artists can relate, is our attachment to the value of our work. The reason we are perfectionists is that we struggle with people's perceptions of our value compared to our work. I.e: if our work is perfect, then we must be of high value. 

What's going to happen when we hit the bumpy roads, the writer's block, the necessary failures to do great things? Perfectionism drives us to silence, maybe what we are working on is not worthy of existence. Maybe we're not worthy to connect or to do what we are doing at all.  Isn't that the opposite of connection? I'm just keeping it real folks. 

Brene's Book is about the emotion of not feeling like you are enough. She described my assumptions, my fears, and some of the coping mechanism I wrote on my journal with flying colors. It was pretty spooky at one point to keep it real with you guys. 

I'm not arguing that our art or creative work should have low standards at all. But what I am arguing for is for a healthy source of that high standard, such as love, passion, and connection. 

It was a tough pill to swallow but throughout the book, Brene showed me the way to a mindset shift on "being enough", and why being vulnerable is the key to this mindset. Being vulnerable is uncomfortable, it's hard - but its the only way to build true connections with those around us. It's the only way to create work that truly connects with people. When operating from a place of worthiness, from a place knowing that I am worthy of genuine connection, then I can engage in a healthy creative process and connect with those around me. This led me to realization #12, 

Insight 12:

I am enough

Closing Thoughts

2018 was the the most challenging year of my life, but I'm genuinely thankful for it. Just like the great men and women behind me, with me and after me - I must submit to the mending of life, which builds my character day by day, to be a man who dares greatly. 

I accept that I'm not a perfect being. I ran for answers. I've found a greater version of myself than the one before (Figure 37). It's made me wiser, humbler, more capable of loving, a more capable leader, forgiving and giving selflessly. It's allows me to full hardheartedly accepted my unconditional inherit worthiness. It's connected me to my work meaningfully again, to my close friends, to new relationships, to myself and above all - to God.

For the next few weeks I will be preparing for the next chapter of my life in Seattle. Yes there will be challenges, yes there will be pain, disappointment, and failure. I've learned that those things never really go away.

I've been convinced that the beauty of life comes when I confront those hardships with courage, friendship, vulnerability and humility. I believe that will guide me to be the friend, colleague, leader, son, father and husband that I want to become. 

With this, I'd like to wish everyone a great rest of 2019. I'll be continuing on my new Journal, and I can't wait to share the new things I find in this blog throughout the year. 

Thanks for reading!

~ NoChillNerd

Figure 37: Not stick figure me